Adoptive Parents in Canada | If A Birth Mother Makes A Connection With You

	Adoption Risks:
	If a Birth Mother Contacts You
	Confirming Her Pregnancy
	How Do You Know if a Birth Mother will Change her Mind
	If You Sense a Birth Mother Wavering
	The Birth Parents' Social and Medical Histories
	Just Before the Placement and After
	Ten Common Mistakes Adoptive Parents Make When Adopting

If a Birth Mother Contacts You
Connecting with a prospective birth mother is probably one of the most exhilarating experiences you'll ever have. (Babies, of course, aren't conceived by immaculate conception. Wherever there's a prospective birth mother, there's also a prospective birth father. And his role in an adoption shouldn't be underestimated. The only difference is that birth fathers by and large don't take the lead when it comes to creating an adoption plan. Which is why the information on this site refers mainly to prospective birth mothers rather than prospective birth parents).

But before you start painting the baby's room or picking out names, remember that an e-mail, which is the method most birth mothers initially use to contact waiting parents, is just that -- an e-mail. And unfortunately, one e-mail does not an adoption make. There's still a long, often bumpy road ahead.

As with any message you receive over the Net, one of the first things you'll need to do is confirm the sender's identity. Just because the person who's written you says she's pregnant or is considering adoption for her child doesn't mean she is. She -- or is it he? -- could be some teenager from Toledo with a lot of time on his hands. The fact that the e-mail is signed, detailed and heartfelt or contains a phone number or an invitation to write back are all good signs. The fact that it contains a reference to money or asks whether you're working with a lawyer isn't.

Alarm bells should go off if the subject line of the message contains a teaser like:

Baby for Adoption!
Baby Available Now
Adopt Today!

Also, beware of anyone promising twins, which is another popular attention getter. If you screen your responses carefully, the worst thing that can happen is that you'll waste a few minutes chasing down a false lead or two. As a rule, most of the people who aren't serious who will be contacting you won't be after money, just attention.

If the message is from the US and you're on a limited budget, you might want to think twice about it. If it's from overseas, you might not want to consider it at all. Both routes will be more expensive than adopting domestically and, logistically speaking, infinitely more complicated.

Because adoption laws tend to be more liberal south of the border, there's a greater potential for fraud or for a birth mother to change her mind.

Following up a lead from the US may be less of a gamble, but it's not exactly worry-free. Because adoption laws tend to be more liberal south of the border, there's a greater potential for fraud or for a prospective birth mother to change her mind. Also, depending on where she lives, you may find yourself covering all of her maternity and hospital expenses.

In general, if the e-mail sounds too good to be true, it probably is. However, if it sounds promising, it's worth writing back. For the purposes of your e-mail, suspend any doubts you may have and assume that the person who's written you really is pregnant and seriously considering adoption. In your response, ask her:

When is her due date?
How long has she been thinking about adoption?
Why did she decide on adoption?
Is the father of the child supportive of her decision?
Is her family supportive of her decision?

phone Although you may feel uncomfortable asking hard questions or playing devil's advocate with someone you don't even know, that's the way you'll have to approach your search. Most of the times your worst fears won't materialize. But in order to protect yourself, you still need to address them and take the necessary precautions. Given what's at stake, unfortunately you don't have the luxury not to.

The advantage to asking these question now is that it could save you time and trouble down the road, particularly if the person who's contacted you turns out not to be pregnant or serious about adoption. Among other things, you'll need to know that she's thought through her decision and is committed to adoption. How she responds to your questions will enable you to mentally prepare yourself for the next stage.

If you're satisfied with her response, invite her to call you. If she takes up your offer, that's another good sign. If she doesn't, then you've hit another brick wall. Communicating by phone, of course, isn't the same thing as communicating by e-mail. E-mail is anonymous and therefore less committal. A phone call will automatically take your relationship to another level. At the very least, you'll have a voice. Listen carefully to what it says. Not only to the words, but to the tone. It will tip you off as to whether you and the person on the other end of the line have a future together. Remember, too, that all the groundwork for your relationship will be laid here so don't say anything that could come back and create difficulties for you later.

Although you may think of your initial conversation with a prospective birth mother as a kind of job interview, with her playing the role of boss, that's not quite right. You're the one who will know about the adoption process, not her. As a result, you'll be the one leading the conversation. Unless you've got nerves of steel, you'll be anxious, nervous and worried like heck that you'll say the "wrong thing" and "blow" everything. But guess what? Chances are, the person you'll be speaking will feel exactly the same way.