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Infertility Perhaps the most difficult thing to accept about infertility is that it goes against one of our oldest, most deeply held assumptions about life -- that one day we'll be parents. From an early age, we're all conditioned to believe this. It's the reason girls play with dolls and boys tease each other about love, marriage and one day winding up in a baby carriage. Getting pregnant is just one of the things that's supposed to happen. So when it doesn't, it's devastating.
Upon hearing the news, most couples simply deny it: "There must be something wrong with the test, it can't be me." Once the initial shock wears off, other emotions set in -- anger, fear, guilt and so on. There's a tendency for one partner to protect the other or to turn inward and hope that somehow the problem will work itself out. But the world is no longer the same place anymore. Nothing seems certain, or at least as certain as the way it used to. For men, infertility is, among other things, a blow to the ego, shattering all their notions of what it means to be a man. Bottling up their emotions, they keep the news to themselves, too embarrassed to discuss it with others. For women, the news cuts even deeper. Weaned to be caregivers, they face the prospect of having no one to care for. Whether the infertility is their "fault" or their partner's makes no difference. In their own eyes -- and, they believe, everyone else's -- they have failed to live up to their role in society as wives, mothers and nurturers. With infertility comes feelings of helplessness, loss of
control, and low self-esteem "Inadequate" "defective"
and "not normal" are just some of the adjectives that get tossed
around when couples are asked to describe themselves. Infertility colours
your world, everything you see and do. Suddenly, everywhere you look you
see babies, pregnant women and people pushing strollers. You feel envious
but mostly you feel angry, particularly when the mother happens to be
an unwed teenager or you hear about a pregnancy that's unplanned. Inevitably,
you'll ask yourself, "why me? Why is it that everyone else can have
a child and I can't?" Convinced that your infertility must be a kind
of punishment for sins committed in the past, you'll wrack your brain
searching for an explanation. But no matter how hard you look, no matter
how far back you go, you'll never find one. Cheating on a math test in
high school or getting caught speeding just doesn't cut it. Truth is,
there is no explanation. And even if there was, it would never satisfy
you. Getting Help
Ironically, one reason some couples turn to adoption is because they believe it will cure their infertility. By now, you've probably come across the story of the couple who, having been told they could never have children, adopted a child -- only to get pregnant on their own immediately afterwards. If this scenario happens, it doesn't happens that often. Or at least as often as most people think. As far as we know, there's no medical evidence linking the adoption of a child to a couple's ability to subsequently conceive one. While it's true that adoption can help remove some of the pressures of not having a family, it's not a cure. Nor should it be perceived as one. Adoption is an alternative to infertility, plain and simple. If you want to become a parent, adoption is for you. If you want to have children that physically resemble you, it's not. A lot of couples initially undergo infertility treatments with an eye on being parents. But somewhere along the way they lose sight of their goal and the emphasis gets shifted toward getting pregnant. What they don't understand is that not everyone can do it. Some waiting parents find this out the hard way, after years of getting prodded, picked and poked at. In some instances, there may be a simple solution to their problem. But often, despite all the infertility specialists they've seen and all the treatments they've tried, there isn't. When it comes to starting a family, adoption is generally viewed as a fallback position -- "second best" or simply "a last resort". Much of this has to do with the misconceptions surrounding adoption and the coverage it receives in the mainstream media. Thanks to stories like the "Internet Twins", it's no wonder people think twice about exploring adoption as an alternative. But the reality is that there are a lot of happy and successful adoption stories out there. Problem is, you never hear about them. All you hear about -- and remember -- are the ones that went wrong. Some couples, realizing that time is passing them by, will
move on to adoption, and at the same time continue with their infertility
treatments. What they don't realize is that searching for a child is a
huge commitment -- emotionally, mentally and financially -- and it can
be very draining to go down both roads at the same time. But this is something
they have to find out on their own, in their own time. The Infertility
Treadmill
Some waiting parents will overlook the red flags or
not ask questions for fear of what they may find. Others, on the other
hand, will have such a strong desire to start a family that they'll let
themselves be talked into things they normally wouldn't do. When exploring
a treatment, it's important to take your time and get all the facts --
and the right ones.
That said, getting accurate information can be a challenge, even under the best of circumstances. In choosing a clinic, most waiting parents will focus on the success rates since that's what the clinics themselves tend to focus on. But numbers can be deceiving. Infertility is a big business, and the competition is stiff. Some clinics will dress up or skew their statistics in such a way as to create a misleading impression. For instance, one clinic may use a fetal heartbeat as a yardstick for its success, while another will use a live birth. There's a huge difference between the two, but many hopeful parents don't know that. When comparing clinics, you'll need to be sure you're comparing apples to apples or in this case, embryos to embryos. So rather than get swayed by the glowing statistics or feel your heart get tugged by all those smiling baby pictures pinned to your specialist's bulletin board, concentrate on the issues that really matter. Read up on all the literature. Speak to recent clients, successful and not. Attend an information seminar and check with your Ministry of Health to find out if there are any outstanding complaints on record. Don't do anything until you feel completely comfortable. And even then, be aware that there are no guarantees. A certain procedure could have a 99 per cent success rate, but you could be among the one per cent for whom it doesn't work -- and vice versa. Similarly, when your specialist tells you that a new treatment has a 100 per cent success rate, make sure that more than three or four people have undergone it. Most specialists you'll meet will be kind and compassionate.
But remember, their future and their clinic's rides on success rates.
Or at least the public's perception of their success rates. You'll find
that there will never be a shortage of new techniques, procedures and
protocols that your specialist be anxious to share and try out on you.
Keep in mind, however, that for all the advances in medical science, there
are limits to what even he can do. Speaking to some specialists, you'd
never know this. Doctors can't perform miracles, nor is it fair for us
to expect them to. Bottom line, if you really want to get off the infertility
treadmill or roller coaster or whatever you want to call it, you're going
to have to do it yourself. Don't count on your specialist to make the
decision for you. Moving On to Adoption The other good news is that while many waiting parents
emerge from their infertility treatments empty handed, the chances of
building a family through adoption are quite high -- so long as you meet
the criteria and you're willing to stick it out. What's more, you'll find
that far from tearing you apart, your difficulties to conceive will actually
bring you and your partner closer together. As the saying goes, if you
can survive infertility, you can survive just about anything.
The key is to be in tune with your partner's feelings and to keep the lines of communication open. If one of you says that this is absolutely the last treatment you'll go through, the other shouldn't be talking about beginning another one just because he/he has a hunch it might work. Moving to adoption means going public with your infertility "problem", and that can make for some awkward moments, particularly in the early stages if you've kept it a secret. Some people, when they're young, have fantasies about being adopted. They think that their parents aren't really their parents, and that it's just a matter of time before their "real" parents -- the king and queen of some faraway country -- come to get them. Most people, however don't grow up fantasizing that they'll be an adoptive parent or that they'll have adopted children. Those adjectives -- "adoptive" and "adopted" -- simply aren't part of their vocabulary. And they may not be part of yours, now. But the more times you say them, the more real they'll become. Eventually, you'll find the words will roll off the tip of your tongue as naturally as your name. When announcing your plans to adopt to the world, it's important to know where to draw the line. Keep in mind the difference between privacy (telling a few select people) and secrecy (telling no one). There are, of course, practical reasons to get the word out. In order to adopt, you need to find a child. And in order to find a child, you need help. In most cases, people will be happy for you, and they may even offer to help you. But you'll still want to keep something to yourself. Whatever you decide, at the end of the day you need to be comfortable with it. Remember, too, that adoption is as much about finding parents for children as it is about finding children for parents. As you go through your adoption journey, you'll feel a wave of conflicting emotions wash over you. On the one hand, you'll need to demonstrate to your adoption practitioner, licensee (and perhaps a prospective birth mother) that you're 100 per cent committed to adoption and confident of your decision. At the same time, you'll have to protect yourself emotionally from all the things that could -- and sometimes do -- go wrong. Be sure that you and your partner, if you have one,
are in sync. Adopting can put a strain on even the strongest of relationships.
When sharing your plans with others, be patient and understanding. Remember,
not everyone will understand what you've been through or what you're going
through. After all, they haven't walked in your shoes. Then again, think
back on your own life: A few years ago, did you ever imagine you'd be
reading this? In discussing your situation with others, you'll run into
people who will wonder what all the fuss is about. "Why don't you
just go ahead and adopt?" is one of the more typical responses you'll
hear, as if adopting is as easy as taking a trip to the corner store.
Another common reaction you'll encounter is: "Adoption? That's great. I just hope the baby's mother doesn't come back for him one day." Truth is, most people will mean well, even if they don't always say the right thing. One group that can help you is the Infertility Network. To sum up, being infertile doesn't mean that you're
"bad" or that there's something "wrong" with you.
It simply means you're different. And adoption just happens to be one
of the more rewarding ways to celebrate that difference. Ten Common Mistakes Waiting Parents Make When Experiencing Infertility
Adoptive Parents | Birth Parents | Adopting in Canada | Waiting Parents Registry | Our Services | Discuss Adoption Contact Us: info@canadaadopts.com |
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Just
because infertility treatments worked for Celine Dion doesn't mean they
will work for you. Each case is unique. Before committing yourself to,
say, invitro fertilization, you owe it to yourself -- and your partner
-- to weigh the benefits and the risks. It's important to consider factors
such as your age, the state of your health, your particular diagnosis,
the treatment's success rate, the short- and long-term effects, the clinic's
track record, and the costs -- emotional as well as financial. For instance,
it's a known fact that a woman's fertility drops dramatically by the time
she reaches her mid-thirties. That may not change your mind, but at least
you're going into whatever you decide with your eyes open.
