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Adoptive Parents

 
Profile of a Birth Mother:

Profile of a Birth Mother
"Dear Birth Mother" your letter begins. But did you ever stop to wonder what -- or rather who -- a birth mother really is?

Like adoptive parents, birth mothers come in all shapes, sizes and colours. One size doesn't fit all. One of the most persistent myths about birth mothers is that they're unwed teenagers. In fact, studies show that the younger the birth mother, the more likely she is to keep her child.

Truth is, a birth mother could be anyone: the girl next door, the woman in the next cubicle at work, your child's teacher or a favorite aunt or cousin. In other words, ordinary every day people.

At the risk of stereotyping, about the only thing you can say for certain is that a birth mother is someone who's going through an unplanned pregnancy and is not in a position to raise her child herself. There are as many reasons for this as there are birth mothers She may:

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  • lack the financial and emotional resources resources to give her child the future he deserves
  • feel she's too young to take on the responsibilities of looking after a child
  • have no support from the child's father or her family
  • have plans to go back to school or start a career that she doesn't want to put aside

Contrary to another popular myth, then, birth mothers don't place their children for adoption because they don't care for them. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. Birth mothers love their children dearly and want what's best for them. If they didn't, they would have done what the vast majority of women in their situation do: terminated their pregnancy long ago and spared themselves months of anguish, guilt and uncertainty. But then you would never have heard from them.

As for common characteristics, most birth mothers you'll find:

  • are single
  • in their late teens to late-20's
  • may have another child by another father that she's raising on their own
  • have a high school diploma or less
  • have an entry level job

Because their pregnancy is unplanned and they're unprepared to parent, they will likely:

  • Feel confused, isolated and depressed
  • Not have anyone to turn to for help
  • Feel desperate that they won't find a family for her baby

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What She's Looking For
Like you, your birth mother will be looking for a couple she can trust and feel comfortable with. A couple that can provide her child with all the things she can't.

Although the details will vary from one birth mother to the next, it usually means finding a couple that has or can provide:

  • a solid two-parent family
  • financial stability
  • a good education
  • opportunities for the futurelego

Your career and financial situation are both important considerations, but so is your emotional well-being. Bottom line, don't worry if the couple next to you in the registry has a swimming pool or a cottage and you don't. There are other factors that will help you win over a birth mother. For instance, you stand a better chance of attracting her attention if:

 

  • You're under 40
  • you live far enough away so as not to be a constant reminder, but close enough that she can contact you, when necessary
  • you have no other children
  • have strong personal traits or interests
  • a good educational background or an attitude that values education
  • the wife plans be a stay-at-home mother

These are some of the more tangible attributes. As for the intangibles, they are a little more difficult to define. The main thing is that your birth mother needs to have a "good feeling" about you. Because once she has that, no obstacle is insurmountable. Of course, it helps if you're:

  • frank and trustworthy, the kind of person with whom she could feel an instant rapport
  • sensitive to her needs and don't make her feel like she's a "bad" person
  • the kind of person with whom she could share personal, perhaps painful details of her life without fear of being judged, hurt, rejected or disappointed
  • open to her requests regarding her child's future

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What She's Not Looking For
Most birth mothers haven't had the easiest of lives and their pregnancy hasn't made things any easier. The last thing they need is for someone to make their situation more difficult and complicated that it already is. As a result, she will avoid any couple who:toy

  • pressures or patronizes her
  • tries to impress her with their achievements
  • says things just so that they can have her child

Keep in mind that all of the above is here only as a guideline, to help you better visualize the kind of person who may be contacting you. In fact, there's nothing that says your birth mother will be any of these things. Then again, there's nothing that says she won't. The only way to know for sure is to speak to one yourself. And with any luck, that day should come soon enough.

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Questions to Ask Her
And when that day comes, you'll have lots and lots of questions to ask her. Here are some you may want to add to your list.

  • I'm so glad you called. How are you?
  • How are you feeling? Have you had a good pregnancy so far?
  • When are you due?
  • Is this your first child?
  • Tell me a little bit about yourself. Do you work or are you a student?
  • How old are you?
  • Do you come from a large family?
  • How does your family feel about your decision?
  • What about the birth father -- is he supportive?
  • What's he like?
  • Are you still in contact with him?
  • When did you first think about adoption?
  • Did you ever consider raising the child yourself?
  • Have you had a chance to talk to anyone about your decision?
  • How much do you know about adoption?
  • What kind of contact would you like to have after the baby is born?
  • Would this include visits?
  • Do you have any special requests on how you would want your child to be raised?
  • What was it about our letter that caught your attention?
  • Have you contacted any other parents?
  • What are your plans for the future?
  • Is it possible to meet you before the baby is born?
  • Do you think we'll be able to meet the child's father as well?
  • It sounds like you know what you want to do and that you're committed to adoption. Do you think there's any chance you might change your mind?*
  • How have you been taking care of yourself during the pregnancy?*
  • Do you smoke? Drink? What about drugs?*
  • And the father? Is he a smoker or does he drink?*
  • I'm sure our lawyer (licensee) will want to talk to you. Do you mind if he calls you?

* Best left to an adoption professional to ask

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